Emotional Journey

June 7th, 2009

Dear diary,
Can you change who you are?

A bitter smile crossed the girl's expression, tainting her usually carefree features. She sat at an old, mahogany desk with a notebook laying open on the surface. A ballpoint pen rested loosely between her index finger and thumb, waiting to be put to paper. Her head hung low as she focused on the content of the notebook, brown hair cascading over her face.

June 25th, 2009

Dear diary,
Scott wanted me to go to a club with him and some friends tonight, but I said no. He didn't seem happy about that. Did I do something wrong? I just don't like the club scene and wanted to stay home… Is that wrong?

She flicked to the next page, blue-green eyes focused on the pages before her. The black ink had been scrawled onto the page unsteadily -- the scribbles were irregular and words tended to miss the lines printed onto the pages. She recalled that she had been terribly shaken that day; things hadn't gone as she had planned… not at all.

July 15th, 2009

Dear diary,
I said no again and he yelled at me, said I needed to be like other girls. He says girls are supposed to listen to their boyfriends and do what they say. Is that true? I honestly don't know… but I don't want to go to the club. I don't enjoy those places.
He also said we should have sex soon, but I'm not ready! I don't want to!

Moving past a couple insignificant pages of similar entries, she finally stopped at a page that showed smeared ink; her salty tears had marred the writing and made it difficult to read. Grey smears covered part of the diary entry, making certain sections unreadable.

Despite that, she recalled what had happened that day and with that knowledge, managed to decipher the words. That day had caused her change to ensue, just days before school would begin in mid-August.

August 13th, 2009

Dear diary,
Scott wanted more today; he said we needed to have sex, or else he'd dump me. He said he'd been patient before, but wouldn't be anymore. I didn't know what to do! I didn't want to lose him, so I…
I can't say it, but you understand… right?
It hurt. It hurt so much. I know I wasn't ready, but… what other choice did I have?

Tears stung at the back of her eyes as she flicked to the next page, which showed her diary entry after the first day of school. Between her day with Scott, and that day, she hadn't seen him at all and hadn't heard from him, either.

More tears had fallen onto that page than the other; the sadness she had felt that day forced its way back into her body and she choked back a sob, trying to hold back the tears.

August 17th, 2009

Dear diary,
He dumped me… In front of everyone! In our short break between classes, he came over to me and said it was over, that I was too weird and useless, and didn't fit into his life. How could he say such things? After all I did for him! Everyone laughed at me; now I'm the laughingstock of the entire school.
I can't believe this…
I'm crying now. What should I do..? What can I do without him?

Her inner barrier shattered and tears began to roll down her cheeks. The girl let them flow, to release the sorrow she had kept trapped inside for so long. Flicking past more irrelevant, depressing diary pages, she stopped at a new, empty, page and lightly set the tip of her pen to the paper.

Slowly, as if afraid of what she might write, she jotted down the date and then paused, pondering. A few moments later, she inclined her head and began to write. The letters once again tended to miss the lines due to her unsteadiness, but she pushed on, forcing her feelings into the notebook.

Once finished, she set the pen down and a slight smile laced her lips. For too long she had allowed her sadness to rule her; a few simple words noted on paper helped to relieve those emotions from her and put her on the path to restoring her former self. Though it was just the first step, it remained the most difficult and after accomplishing it, she would recover… in time.

November 23rd, 2009

Dear diary,
I can't be sad anymore. Scott used me, but I can't dwell on it, right? If I do, then he wins. He already used me, but… I can't let him ruin the rest of my life. I need to be the one to choose my path. I need to be me.
I won't change; not for him, or anyone else. I'm me and that's who I'll always be… It's who I am, and I can't change that.

"I won't change," she repeated, voice soft, but firm. "…I won't."