literature

Do you believe?

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Magic-fan's avatar
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Literature Text

"Do you believe in Angels?"

I couldn't help the gentle laugh that escaped me; he had a habit of asking such questions, for no reason whatsoever. Because of it, I often wondered what went on inside his head. I relocated my gaze to my right, where he sat beside me. "Why do you ask?"

"I do."

His legs swung lightly back and forth as the ground stared menacingly from below. One wrong move and we would fall; one wrong move and we could die. Was it the thrill that kept me with him, prevented me from thinking straight?

Cold wind engulfed us, sending chills down my spine. In the light of the moon, he looked so pure, almost… angelic. I smiled and stared up at the pale globe; we often shared such moments together. Those were the moments that helped us through hard times. When we wanted to scream and give up, our conversations pulled us back to earth.

"Why, Jason?"

A ghost of a smile crossed his lips; still, he did not look at me. His eyes never left the moon, a quick glance at him showed me as much. "For the same reason you sit here with me."

I frowned, confusion flitting across my face. "I sit here because I trust you."

His smile broadened. "As do I. But would there be trust, if there were no Angels? Even if there is no God; there must be someone, something that watches over us. I can only think of Angels, when I wonder about it."

I lapsed into silence and stared over the ledge of the building; the palms of my hands pressed hard against the edge. Angels? I frowned, deep in thought. I never understood how he came to such conclusions, or why he thought of them; it was one of the few things I had never figured out. I doubted I ever would.

"…Angels." The word was foreign to my lips -- I tasted it, savored it like expensive wine.

I returned my gaze to Jason as he took a pluck of my messy brown hair between his fingers and softly rubbed it. His other hand reached out and I shut my eyes in content as he caressed my cheek.

"You're too good for me," I whispered, almost too soft for even me to hear. Still, the wind carried my words to him.

When the warmth of his hand left my cheek, my eyes fluttered open. "Funny," he stated, the smile still on his face. "I've always thought the same about you."

My cheeks burned and I looked away, staring up at the moon. Maybe he's right? As his arm snaked around my waist and pulled me closer, I relaxed and rested my head on his shoulder, embracing the comfort with open arms.

"Angels are the cause of the purest emotions we feel."

I shut my eyes to block out the little light there was, and thought of his words. Emotions? There were so many pure emotions, how was one to know what came from Angels? Only the purest, he said? Hope, joy, trust… and love.

I smiled as realization hit me; he had shown me what he meant, made it so that I could see. "…Jason?" I opened my eyes and locked them with his. His jade-colored eyes showed so much emotion, held so much truth. Now, curiosity was the dominant one that shone within.

"Yes?"

I leaned closer and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, then moved my mouth to his ear. "I think," I whispered, almost hesitant. "…I believe."
This is something I just wrote; it took me about... forty-five minutes or so? Maybe an hour, actually... Either way.

It's quite different from the things I usually write, but that's actually why I'm so fond of it. I love the hint of romance, mixed with the slight philosophical aspect. There are multiple people I should thank for inspiring me for the philosophical part, one of which is =julietcaesar

I'm not quite sure where it came from, either. I just... let my inspiration guide me. I would be nothing without my muse.

I would love to get opinions of this; I'm really proud of it and would love to hear what you think. :heart:

Comments and critique are greatly appreciated. :aww:
How is the flow and the ideas in the piece? Is the wording okay? Do the emotions shine though, clearly enough? Is there anything else you wish to comment on?

(C) *Magic-fan
© 2010 - 2024 Magic-fan
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lucifers-uke's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

Overall, an excellent work. I see a few things that I personally would change, but as with all critiques, this is my opinion, and the best thing to trust is your gut and your muse.

"His legs swung lightly from side to side..."

To me, that seems awkward. I would change 'from side to side' to 'back and forth.'

Another section I would change would be 'embraced' to 'engulfed.' The cold wind and other descriptions are great, but I think the personification needs to go to the two characters, and not so much to the nature around them.

I do really like giving the nature some 'human' traits though, like the ground staring and the wind engulfing. I think using the term embrace so early in makes their uncertainty of being together invalid.

In other words, try to use words that keep them isolated from each other though they are together. the climax of the story leaves them extremely close, so even with this short of a work, you have to show that change.

As for the dialogue, I think it is a little too formal, and though I am not completely sure how to change it, I have a couple of tips.
-Remember they are close friends and they understand most everything about each other.
-Try to omit as many words as you can from their actual speaking without changing the context.
-Use more contractions in the dialogue. Most everyone talks in contractions with their close friends, so try to add that if it is suitable.
-Maybe try to add some dialect, again, just because of their closeness, you should emphasize they have things perhaps others wouldn't understand.

Also, as my last bit of advice, the line "I began slowly, almost hesitant." seems somewhat redundant. Change slowly to softly or I began slowly to I whispered.

For the general work of this piece, you never cease to amaze me with how your stories flow and keep the reader's attention. You have a great gift. I love how this particular piece goes from close friends chattering, becoming uneasy with the conversation, contemplating, then becoming closer and more uneasy, but in a new kind of way. Overall, excellent!

And, as always, this is a critique, and my opinion. It is for you to use at your discretion, and if you disagree on any point, that is certainly okay. It is obvious you know how to write, these are just tips I thought could help.